You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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