I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
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