About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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