i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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