the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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