she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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