The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize