dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
