I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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