she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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