Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
