There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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