my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize