all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
