I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
