So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
