If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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