I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
