Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
