You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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