it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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