the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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