how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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