i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
