the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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