I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
