i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
