People in love make me want to vomit
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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