um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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