I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
