a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
