I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
