ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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