i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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