2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
