i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
