If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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