He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
