He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
