I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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