I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize