Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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