I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Randomize
