I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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