so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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