Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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