I feel like I'm in dance class right now
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
