There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
