Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
