"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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