I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
