The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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