mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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