I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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