You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
