last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
