you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
