Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
