Will you blow on my dice?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
No more Irish car bombs ever.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
